My Courtship Story: I'm trying not to like you

Part 2 of my courtship story...

Scene in the prayer garden

The day after Rohn arrived back from visiting his family, I noticed that he didn't seem quite himself. I had learned to tell when something was bothering him. After our last class of the afternoon, I asked him what was wrong. He acted nervous and said that he was confused about something. He had previously told me about something in his life that he was pretty confused about at the time, so I thought I understood what he meant. I asked it how it was going and if anything had happened while he was at home. He shifted in his seat and said that everything was fine. Then he looked at me and said, "Actually, I'm confused about someone else." Instantly I knew he was talking about me. It wasn't what he said. It was the way he said it. It was the way he looked at me. He didn't mean to let it slip out, but it was too late! I just stared at him for a minute, my heart racing, trying to comprehend what he had just said. My voice was shaking and I felt like I could hardly get the words out of my mouth, “Rohn, what are you talking about? What are you talking about?!?!” I didn't even wait for him to answer before I ran out of the room.

My emotions were in total chaos. I loved him dearly, but only as a friend. He was almost like a brother to me. I was not interested in more than a friendship and was convinced that I never would be. I didn't want our friendship ruined by romantic feelings on either side.

We both had a pretty miserable afternoon. I threw myself on my bed and cried while he sat in a classroom taking out his frustration by pounding away on the piano.

We ended up sitting across the table from each other at dinner. Neither of us said anything and we hardly looked at each other. I couldn't bring myself to eat more than a couple bites and I'm not sure he did any better. After dinner Rohn asked if we could talk, so we headed out to a little prayer garden to talk things out. We spent the first few minutes walking together in awkward silence. Finally he said, "I seem to have said something that upset you pretty bad." I responded in the affirmative. "What was it that upset you?" He was trying desperately to feign ignorance. Maybe we could just forget about it and move on. "When you said that you were confused about someone. I knew that you were talking about me." I replied. He was quiet for a minute, "So you feel like I was implying that I like you?" "Yeah". At that point he admitted the truth. Yes, he liked me. Yes, he felt attracted to me. Yes, he had been in denial.

At this confession, I did what any girl should never do in such a situation. I burst into tears! I didn't want him to feel this way about me! I hadn't asked for his affection! I didn't want it! Now our wonderful friendship was ruined. I had always feel like I could be free to be myself around Rohn. I was comfortable and could relax and not always have to worry about making sure he didn't fall for me. But that was over, now I'd always have to be on my guard.

Rohn was upset to see me crying. He was upset with himself for accidentally messing up our friendship. He desperately tried to explain that he wasn't totally sure how he felt and that he was trying not to like me. That didn't help any. It only confirmed that even though he was trying not to, he did in fact like me, which was not what I wanted to hear!

The next day Rohn informed me that he was “over it”. He was tired and not thinking clearly the day before and he really wasn't interested in me at all. I was skeptical at first but soon I accepted what he said, not because it was really all that believable, but because it's what I wanted to believe. It took a couple days, but soon things were back to normal between us and I tried to forget that anything had ever happened. I thought the matter was behind us, but unbeknownst to me, Rohn was still praying about where God was directing our friendship.

The Robbery

So many things happened in the last few days before graduation. Two days beforehand, we had finished our usual Wednesday evening prayer meeting and I went on a walk with a group of friends (Rohn was not in the group). We were standing out by the lake, watching the sunset when some other classmates came to find us. They told us that the girls dorm had been robbed and that we needed to come back to the building. We were all concerned and rushed back to the building. As soon as I got in the door, someone told me that Rohn was looking for me. I could hear him from several halls away strumming wildly on his guitar as he searched for me. If you hadn't gathered already, playing loudly on an instrument is what he often does to relieve stress. I knew he must be upset.

I went to find him and find out if everything was ok. He said that when he heard that the girls' dorms had been broken into, his first impulse was to look for me and make sure I was ok. When he couldn't find me, he became nearly frantic thinking that maybe I had been in my room when the dorms were broken into and maybe something had happened to me. Fortunately, no one was actually in the dorm when the thieves got in. Many of the girls were still pretty shook up, it's creepy knowing that someone has broken into your room and gone through all your stuff. Besides the fact that nobody knew who the thieves were or where they were. The security cameras by the driveway showed a strange car come onto the campus, but didn't show it leave. So in all likelihood, the thieves were still around.........somewhere.

None of us were allowed to go into our rooms until the police arrived to investigate. In addition to being afraid of the thieves still being on campus (we didn't know at that point if these were just highschool kids up to no good, or if they were more serious criminals), we were worried about what may have been stolen from our rooms. Rohn stayed with me while we waited for the police to arrive, he came with me when I wanted to look in my window from the outside to see if my laptop was still there, he prayed with me, he stayed close and assured me that he wouldn't let anything happen to me. He even held my hand. Looking back, it's strange that this didn't seem odd to us. It seemed totally natural that he would just instinctively want to hold my hand to reassure me, and it seemed normal that this would be comforting to me. Usually if a guy had just randomly started trying to hold my hand, I would have totally freaked out, but instead it was very comforting, Rohn's very presence was comforting to me. Looking back, all this should have been a hint to us as to what was really going on in our hearts, but we didn't see it at the time. I guess hindsight is 20/20.

Later that night a couple of my other guy friends invited me to come with them on a trip into town to get my mind off the robbery. I told Rohn where I was going and who I was going with so that he wouldn't worry. Nonetheless, as we were on our way back to campus, Ben's phone rang. It was Rohn wondering where we were. Noah said, "We all know who he's worried about." He and Ben gave each other significant looks and agreed.

The secret conversation

Meanwhile, while I was gone with Ben and Noah, a very interesting conversation was taking place back on campus. The more Rohn had prayed, the more he began to feel that perhaps God really was leading us toward a relationship in the future. He wanted to start exploring this possibility, but of course the last thing he wanted to do was let me find out about it! He started out by talking to some older, trusted friends and they encouraged him to keep pursuing my friendship. He also talked to some of our other guy friends so make sure that no one else was interested in me.

You know how everyone knows that if a guy likes a girl, he should never, under any circumstances, talk to her best friend? Well, while I was away Rohn talked to Bethany, one of my best friends. He expressed to her his interest in pursuing a relationship with me- not now, but in the future. He asked her if she thought there would be any possibility that I would consider such a thing. She didn't give him a direct answer but said, "If there was no hope, I would tell you." She encouraged him not to give up. To this day she claims this as evidence that she knows me better than I know myself. Rohn made her promise that she wouldn't tell me that he had talked to her.

Suspicions

After we got back to campus, I sat in Bethany's room, talking while she packed up her stuff. She was quieter than usual and seemed out of sorts. I asked her if something was wrong. She said there wasn't. I knew that wasn't true and I asked what was bothering her. "Oh, it's nothing," She told me, "I just had a conversation with someone earlier and I guess it's making me feel a little out of sorts." I asked her who she had talked to and about what, but she said that she couldn't tell me. I was instantly curious, but she refused to talk about it, so eventually the subject dropped.

After discussing various subjects for a while Bethany got quiet. Then suddenly she asked, "Do you think you would ever be interested in a relationship with Rohn, or just not now?" Now I was pretty sure I had figured out who she had been talking to and about what! Bethany knew very well exactly how I felt about Rohn, and she just isn't the type of person to question it further unless she had a specific reason. I asked her, "Bethany, have you been talking to Rohn about me?" She became very distressed and begged me not to make her answer. I didn't really need her to answer, I was pretty sure I already knew.

It was pretty late by then, but I determined that in the morning I would find out what was going on.

To be continued............