My Courtship Story: A promise of forever

This is the final part of my courtship story. Be sure to read the rest of it (part 1, part 2, part 3, part 4, part 5)

Courtship

Like I mentioned at the end of part 5, we did learn to related to each other without so much awkwardness. The months that followed the beginning of our courtship were more wonderful than anything I had ever dreamed.......and more challenging than I could have ever imagined.

There were so many things that were new and wonderful. Holding hands with someone for the first time. Hearing Rohn tell me I was beautiful. Learning about each other's interests, beliefs, habits and dreams. Building a trust so deep that I could be completely open and honest with Rohn in ways I had never done with anyone before. Sending him sweet notes, cookies, cards, thinking of ways to let him know how much I cared for him.

There were also many challenges during those months of courtship. Learning to be sensitive to each other's needs. Learning to forgive. Learning to resolve disagreement. Learning to relate to some family members and friends who had less-than-positive attitudes about this new phase of our lives. Learning to share things from our pasts that we'd much rather forget.

Though we spent a lot of time talking about many different things, one thing we never said to each other was, "I love you." The reason we didn't say that was not because we didn't love each other! Far from it! We were falling more in love by the day! But we didn't want "I love you" to be empty meaningless words. We didn't want them to be the same as when a couple of jr. highers say "I love you" and then break up 2 days later. As Rohn said, "Bekah, if I ever tell you that I love you, the next words out of my mouth are going to be, 'Will you marry me?'" That was a hard commitment to keep. I have never wanted to say three simple words so badly in my entire life!

Since Rohn and I live 177 miles apart, we weren't able to see each other as frequently as many couples. Usually only every other weekend. We cherished those times together. When we were together we talked (A LOT!), we spent time with our families, played games, visited each other's churches, participated in ministry and many other activities.

Now what?

Rohn and I spent quite a bit of time serving in ministry together over the summer. As we neared the end of July something began to change in our relationship. We didn't realize it at first, but there seemed to be an underlying tension between us.

You see, we had been courting for 7 months, we knew we wanted to get married, we were certain that God wanted us to get married, we had discussed all the important topics and then some, we had developed a deep and meaningful relationship, and we were head over heals in love with each other. The only logical thing left to do was start planning a wedding! We began to feel like we had mentally and emotionally reached the end of courtship.

As I've said before, relationships don't stay still, they either move forward or backward. At this point we felt that our relationship had gone forward as far as it could without the commitment of engagement.

It seemed as though it was time to get engaged, but as usual, there were problems. We had already been talking about getting married in May, but July to May is an awful long time and we were a bit afraid of making our engagement too long. But the biggest problem was (I'll give you three guesses) once again, his parents. Yup, that's right, when Rohn and I were first friends, they didn't want to meet me. After they met me, they didn't want Rohn to court me. Once we were courting, they didn't want Rohn to marry me (they like me, they really do! I promise!). I don't understand it either. Rohn wanted to get his parents blessing before moving toward engagement, but how was he going to do that since they were set against us getting engaged?

The talk

Finally Rohn decided to just go ahead and talk to his parents anyway. He told his dad that he wanted to talk about something important one Sunday afternoon. "On a scale of one to ten, Dad, this is an eleven." He then proceeded to explain where we were in our relationship and how he felt that it was time to move on to engagement. By now you can probably guess what happened. God worked and Rohn's parents gave their blessing. I don't really know what all was said in that conversation, I just know that at the end after the blessing had been given, Rohn's dad said something to the effect of, "Now hurry up and get going!"

That week Rohn called my dad and arranged a time to meet with both of my parents that Saturday. All correspondence was done via my dad's work e-mail and phone so that there was no way I could stumble upon any evidence. Rohn also contacted Mandy, my best friend and next door neighbor, and enlisted her help for what he was planning.

Friday night my mom asked me off hand, "Dad and I want to go out for a date tomorrow for breakfast, can you watch the kids?" I agreed, but I did think it was a bit unusual. It wasn't unusual for my parents to go on a date, but I couldn't ever remember them going out for breakfast before. The thought did cross my mind that perhaps it had something to do with Rohn, but I checked the caller ID to see if he had called and saw that he hadn't. I kept my ears open, but didn't pick up on any other hints, so I concluded that they must have gone out for some other reason. That Saturday was also the day that my cousin was getting married, so I was a bit distracted anyway.

So it was completely unbeknownst to me that Rohn drove three hours to meet my parents for breakfast and asked them for permission to marry me. They gave their blessing and then Rohn drove three hours back home. With my cousin's wedding and all, there really wasn't any way that he could propose yet that day. Besides the fact that he hadn't bought a ring yet! He bought the ring later that day.

Little did I know

Sunday evening Mandy and I went to hear our other best friend, Bethany, play the organ. We were all talking afterward and Bethany made some comment about me getting married. I rolled my eyes, "I might get married if that boy ever decides to ask me!" Mandy, knowing full well that he was about to propose, replied calmly, "Well, you have to consider his personality. He's not the type to make decisions quickly. Give him time. He might propose in about 20 years or so." I nearly exploded! "If he waits 20 years to propose, I sure hope he can find someone to propose to!"

Before we parted company that night, Mandy and I agreed that we really needed to spend some more time together as she was heading off to college before long. "I really want to go walking on the nature trail one more time before I leave." She told me, "Lets go out there tomorrow afternoon." I agreed.

A dream come true

Monday morning dawned rainy and drizzly. I called Mandy, "This doesn't look like a good day for a walk. Let's do something else." She nearly panicked, "I think the rain has stopped by now and I'm sure it will be nice by later this afternoon." I wasn't convinced, "But it will still be muddy. I don't feel like walking in the mud. Let's do something inside this afternoon and try again tomorrow."

Mandy was really panicking now! How in the world was she going to get me out there? She tried calling Rohn, but he was on his way and didn't have any reception at that point. She called me again after a little while and said, "Hey, I have another idea. Let's go sit on the haybales and talk. I've checked and the grass is all dried off already." I was still a bit worried about the mud, but I agreed to this plan. Now this might seem a little strange to some of you, but you must understand that Mandy and I both live out in the country and walking around in fields and climbing around on haybales are favorite activities for us.

I walked out to meet Mandy and we headed down the road toward the field where the haybales where. As we headed out across the field I noticed someone sitting by on of the bales. I was too far away to see who it was and I thought it must be Mandy's and my younger sisters. The were the only ones I could think of who would be in this field. I didn't think much of it and we kept walking.

After we had walked a little farther, the person stood up and began coming toward us. At that point I could tell that it was a man, but he was still to far away to recognize. At first I thought that we must be intruding on somebody's special moment with their girl and that he was coming to tell us to leave, but then I realized that there was nobody else with him. I kind of started freaking out at that point. I was deliberately walking away from this guy, and he was deliberately coming toward us. I kept asking Mandy, "Who is that guy? What does he want? Mandy! There's a random guy walking toward us!" but she didn't say anything.

Then suddenly I recognized him. I think my heart stopped beating for a second. There was only one reason on earth that Rohn would randomly show up on a Monday afternoon without me knowing about it. I stopped dead in my tracks and couldn't move. Mandy just grinned and said, "Well, looks like it's time for me to be going now." and headed back toward home.

As soon as Rohn saw me stop and knew that I recognized him, he began running toward me. I still couldn't move, so I just stood there until he reached me and swept me into his arms. I was still in complete shock and kept asking him, "How did you get here? What are you doing here?". There was only one reason I could think of for him to just show up like this, but I just couldn't get my mind around it.

He took me by the hand and led me back to the place where he had been sitting by the haybale. He had a lawn chair set up and asked me to sit down. He then picked up his guitar, which he had nearby, and began to play a song he had written just for me. They were the sweetest words I had ever heard, all about how much I meant to him. Then he got to the chorus and sang, "And I love you, Bekah, I love you" My heart soared and I started to cry. It was the first time I had heard him say those words!

He finished the song and got down on one knee and asked me to marry him. By this time, I was just bawling! He said it didn't take me that long, but to me it felt like forever before I could choke out a "yes!" I gave him a huge hug and he slipped the most beautiful ring I had ever seen onto my finger! We were both giddy with excitement! We jumped and shouted and spun circles around in that field!

It was the perfect proposal. I loved every aspect of it. It nearly brings me to tears just remembering it.

I may be done writing about my love story for now, but the story is definitely not done. We are counting down to our wedding in 57 days and looking forward to continuing our love story for many years after that. Thanks for reading!

Asking the Hard Questions: Don't Skirt the Issue

I know that some people will roll their eyes when they read this and say, "It's about time!" and others will raise cries of "rebel!" and "heretic!".

Here is the question: Is it wrong for a woman to wear pants instead of a skirt?

Trust me, I've dealt with this issue for a long time and I've been on both sides of the fence! When I was about 15, I decided that I should wear skirts. And I held to this decision quite religiously. You see, I thought that since some godly people wore skirts. It must be the only option if I wanted to be godly. But the more I think about the rational behind the skirts-only doctrine, the less it makes sense to me.

I want to address a few of the arguments that I have used to support skirts-only as well as some others that I have heard.

1. The Bible instructs us to be modest

I couldn't agree more! 1 Timothy 2:9 says "Likewise, I want women to adorn themselves with proper clothing, modestly and discreetly..." But where in the Bible does it say that a skirt is the definition of modesty? It is true that many skirts are more modest than many pairs of pants. But I've also seen many pairs of pants that are more modest than many skirts. I have asked guys about this and they say that they don't have a problem with girls in pants as long as they aren't super tight (but the same holds true of skirts). Some even said they preferred for girls to wear pants as there was less chance of showing something if you sit or move wrong.

2. Historically it was considered immodest for a woman to wear pants

Historically it was also considered immodest to show your feet or ankles. I don't see anybody arguing for women's feet and ankles to be covered at all times.

3. The Bible says that a woman should not wear men's clothing

It is absolutely true that Deuteronomy 22 says "A woman shall not wear man's clothing, nor shall a man put on a woman's clothing; for whoever does these things is an abomination to the LORD your God." Please note that this is part of the law of Moses. Are we as believers required to follow the law of Moses? No. We are no longer under the law.

Now let me clarify, I believe it is most glorifying to God when women dress and act like women and when men dress and act like men. But let me point something out. At the time that the Bible was written, men and women BOTH wore robes. So wouldn't it be acceptable for men to wear men's pants and women to wear women's pants?

4. Pants for women is just Satan's way of trying to make sin look acceptable

I've been told that the devil tries to deceive us into thinking that is is ok for a woman to wear men's clothes by making a women's version of them.

Let me reiterate; when the Bible was written, men and women BOTH wore robes. So I asked a skirt-only believer, "If men and women both wore robes in the Bible, how did women make sure they weren't wearing men's clothes?" Here is the answer I got, "Well, I'm sure there was a certain style of robe that was for men and a different one for women." Right...........kind of like one style of pants for men and one for women, eh? How is different styles of the same thing ok as long as it's robes, but it's a ploy of the devil if it's pants?

I also have another question. I've never heard anybody raise cain over men and women both wearing t-shirts. Maybe there are those that do, but I personally have never heard any. Why is it acceptable for men and women to both wear t-shirts (as long as the women wear them with a skirt, of course), but it's not ok for men and women to both wear pants? Why are pants "men's clothing" but t-shirts aren't?

5. Historically, pants were men's clothing

Historically voting was a man's role, but we don't say that it is wrong for women to vote. Since when did historic customs dictate moral law? Sure, it was historically unacceptable to kill people, but we don't refrain from killing people because of history, we hold to it because the Bible says that we shouldn't kill people. So if the Bible doesn't say that it's wrong for women to wear pants, why should history make it wrong?

6. Even Mormons and Muslims wear skirts (or robes, or whatever they call them)

Remind me again why I should base my lifestyle choices on the practices of cults and false religions? I've been told that Muslims would be offended if I wore pants, so I shouldn't do it. If I was ministering to Muslims, I might choose to dress like them in order to be able to build relationships more easily, but seeing as how I don't even know any Muslims, I don't know why I need to dress like them. I mean, a Hindu would be offended by the fact that I eat meat (might be great uncle Bob reincarnated, you know.), but I've never had anyone tell me that I should become a vegetarian based on that fact.

7. Skirts are distinctly feminine

I agree! And I absolutely love wearing skirts for just that reason! If someone chooses to wear skirts because they are very feminine, I have no problem with that! More power to them! But this sounds like a personal preference not a Biblical mandate. The color pink is distinctly feminine too, but that doesn't mean that we should all only wear pink.

8. You never see a man in a skirt

Have you ever seen a kilt? Seriously. Look it up.

Perhaps there is something that I'm missing. Maybe there are valid reasons that I have never heard and I am terribly mislead. But based on what I have heard and read, it seems to me that whether a woman wears pants or skirts is a personal decision. I don't see how one way is more right than the other.

If you have a different point of view, or opinion that you would like me to consider, please share! Really, I mean it. I don't promise to alter my opinion, but I do promise to be interested in hearing what you have to say.

Fed Up

Dear People who are obsessed with the election,

This really isn't about politics. This is about my observation of those who are obsessed with politics.

I am tired of hearing you fight over who is the best candidate. I am tired of hearing you diss your friends based on who they plan to vote for. I'm tired of hearing that anyone who doesn't vote for your candidate is stupid, ignorant, an America hater, or "unchristian". Please remember a few simple facts.

1. Since God is not running for President of the Unites States, all of the candidates are fallible human beings with strengths and weaknesses, all of whom will make mistakes.

2. Each person will assess these strengths and weaknesses from different points of view. Since people tend to have different ideas of which issues are the most important, most likely their conclusions will vary.

3. It's ok that people will come to different conclusions about which candidate is best because each registered voter in the U.S. is allowed to vote for whoever they want to.

4. You will get farther by not attacking people. There are a lot of people who would actually be interested in hearing you give a rational explanation for why you think your candidate is the best, however there are very few people who are interested in hearing you diss everyone who doesn't agree with you.

Thank you for your kind consideration.

Sincerely,

Fed up in Kansas

*This letter is not directed toward any specific individuals. It is simply my reaction to the political bickering in general.

My Courtship Story: A new phase

Courtship story- part 5 (also read part 1, part 2, part 3, part 4)

The turning point

By Christmas 2010 Rohn knew that either we needed to move forward into courtship or cut off all communication for the time being. He began to pray earnestly that God would show him what to do. He didn't feel like he was in a situation to begin courting, yet the thought of not being able to communicate with each other was nearly unbearable.

As Rohn prayed about our friendship, God began to work. Things started to fall into place. One of the biggest things was that Rohn figured out what he was going to major in. That didn't mean that he could finish school any faster, but it did mean that he had a plan and a definite direction. He began to feel that God was leading him to move forward.

During that time, we had the rare privilege of getting to talk on the phone. We had only been allowed to call each other maybe two or three times since CMI, so this was very exciting! We talked about many things, but during the course of the conversation Rohn asked me, "Would you be opposed to getting married before I'm finished with school?" I knew that something was going on, but I didn't know what it was. I said that I wouldn't be opposed and wanted to know why he asked. He wouldn't tell me.

By now Rohn felt like he was at a place where he could ask to court me. It wasn't what he had originally planned, but he strongly felt that this was God's timing. The next hurdle- his parents. Even though his parents really liked me and agreed that I was the right girl for Rohn, they had still been adamant that he was too young to pursue me seriously. How was he going to convince them that this was God's timing for him to move forward?

It was with some fear and trembling that he sat down with both of his parents and explained how God had been working in his life recently and that he wanted to pursue a courtship. They informed him that they also felt that this was the right time for him to pursue me. Shock. How did that happen? What changed their minds? It's another one of those things that we don't know to this day.

With his parents' approval Rohn called my dad and arranged a time to meet with him. I knew that Rohn was coming to talk to my dad, but I still didn't know what the meeting was about. I was pretty sure it was either to ask to court me or to call off the relationship. I suspected it was the former, but I was afraid to let myself think about it lest I be disappointed.

Rohn came to my house in late January and he and my dad went out for coffee together. Rohn had prepared what he was going to say, but was still terribly (understandably) nervous. He explained to my dad his reasons for wanting to pursue me and asked permission to start a courtship. He was sure that the next thing my dad would do was to ask him about his financial situation and how he was prepared to provide for a family, etc. But he didn't. My dad already knew that Rohn was a poor college student. He told Rohn, "Following God is more important than having money. If you are doing what God is asking you to do, He will provide."

When they arrived back at my house, Rohn and I took a walk together. He told me that he had asked my dad for permission to court me and that my dad had told him that he would pray about it and let him know in a week. Rohn told me that he hoped to be able to court me while finishing his sophomore and junior years of college and then get married the following summer. I was thrilled!

So began the longest week of our lives so far. It seemed like my dad must have prayed about that decision for a million years. At least!

The answer

Saturday eventually arrived. The day my dad was supposed to give us an answer. I waited impatiently all day. Morning went by. Afternoon. The evening was slipping away and I was beginning to wonder if he had forgotten. Neither Rohn nor I could focus on anything all day and by the end of the day our nerves were shot! I was almost ready to ask Dad if he had made a decision yet, when he pulled me aside and said that he wanted to talk to me. He said that he had prayed about it all week and fasted some as well. He informed me that he felt it was God's will for us to begin courting. I don't know what I did at that point. Maybe I squealed. Maybe I cried. Maybe I did both. All I remember is that I was ecstatically happy! It wasn't terribly late, maybe 8:00 in the evening, but my dad wondered if he should call Rohn then or wait until morning. "Call him now!" I shouted. "Don't make him wait another minute!"

After he finished talking to Rohn, Dad handed the phone to me. I'm pretty sure that conversation was one big jumble. We laughed and cried, and talked about how happy we were and how we couldn't believe that we were actually officially courting! Neither of us had been in a romantic relationship before, so this was a totally new experience for both of us. We felt weird referring to each other as "boyfriend" and "girlfriend".

Courtship begins

Of course now that we were "officially" courting and were allowed to talk on the phone and visit each other as much as we liked, the first thing we wanted to do was plan a visit ASAP!

I was helping host a bridal shower at church when Rohn arrived the following weekend. I could hardly wait to get home and see him! I burst in the door only to be told that he and my brother, Abe, and driven into town on some errand. I seemed to take them forever to get back. I met Rohn at the front door as soon as he arrived and asked him where he had gone. He grinned somewhat sheepishly and presented me with a dozen red roses! Definitely a good way to start a courtship!

I have to laugh now as I remember that first visit. Everything was so deliciously awkward! We were so excited and so eager to figure this whole courtship thing out, but everything was so new to us. What are you supposed to do on your first visit? What are you supposed to talk about? How are you supposed to act around a "special friend"?

We were already clear on the fact that the purpose of our relationship was getting to know each other better in order to find out if it was God's will for us to get married. So each of us had made a list of things we wanted to ask the other. Things that would be important to us in a potential spouse. We took turns asking questions and discussing our views and beliefs on different topics. It was exciting and awkward and sweet and wonderful all at the same time. We talked about many things, but there was one topic on both of our lists that we each kept avoiding. "So.........." Rohn began, "Um.....so......like...how do you feel about....um....kids?" I'm pretty sure we both turned bright pink! "Well........." I replied, "Kids are really important to me......so.........um.............if we...uh.....get married....I think we should have..........some."

So began the beautiful courtship stage of our relationship. Don't worry, we quickly figured out how to relate to each other without so much awkwardness!

To be continued......

My Courtship Story: A change of heart

Courtship story- part 4. Also read part 1, part 2, and part 3.

Confused

I went home from CMI very very confused. By this point I had no idea how I felt about Rohn! I knew that he was very dear to me and I knew that I missed him terribly, but I didn't know if this could mean that I possibly had feelings for him or if I still just loved him as a friend. I was pretty sure I wasn't interested in him. I just couldn't picture myself in a relationship with him. I wasn't really attracted to him. I did pray about a relationship like he had asked me to, but I'm afraid my prayers tended to be more along the lines of "Please help him get over this really fast!" than actually seeking God's will.

The thing I dreaded most telling my dad what was going on. I had briefly explained to my mom what Rohn and I had talked about and she urged me to tell my dad. I dreaded this. My dad can be a little.....um......idealistic at times, and I was pretty sure that he would never let anybody court me unless the guy was the very model of sinless perfection. Of course, I was pretty sure I didn't want Rohn to court me, but I was just unsure enough that I didn't want the possibility ruled out. I was also afraid that if my dad knew that Rohn was interested, he might break off our entire friendship and I was certain that I didn't want that to happen!

So it was with some trepidation that I approached my dad and explained to him that Rohn was interested in pursuing a relationship with me at some point in the future. To my utter shock, not only was my dad not upset (he didn't even scowl at me!), he got excited! He had only met Rohn very briefly at graduation, but he started talking about how impressed he was with what he saw! He said that from what he saw of him, Rohn seemed like a very godly young man, he liked the fact that Rohn was also from a large family, he liked how Rohn interacted with his siblings. The thing that blew me away the most was when he said, "Bekah, I've always known that you would need to marry someone who you could really respect. Someone who would be strong enough to lead you Spiritually. I think Rohn seems like that kind of man." I nearly fainted.

About a week and a half after arriving home, Rohn called me to find out when would be a good time for him to talk to my dad. The night he said he would call, I was a ball of nerves. I would jump at every sound and couldn't sit still for the life of me! Finally the phone rang. My dad answered the phone, went into his bedroom and closed the door. I paced around the house, trying to imagine what they were saying to each other.

My dad was chuckling as he hung up the phone. He said that Rohn had been so nervous, he talked about a hundred miles a minute and couldn't even get his words out straight. Dad reported that he had said, "Mr. Loewen, during the time before courtship, I will treat your daughter like a brother. I mean, I will be the brother...and...um....I mean, I will treat her like a sister."

Rohn had explained to my dad that he was interested in a relationship at some point in the future, he said maybe a year. My dad said that we were to remain just friend, not talk about "emotional" subjects and not get emotionally attached to each other until such a time as Rohn was ready to start a courtship.

God is the one who changes hearts

Even though my parents were excited and a part of me wanted to be excited too, I still wasn't very sure of my own heart. Even though I didn't realize it yet, God was already at work. He began showing me that I needed to stop focusing on my own feelings and start focusing on what He wanted for my relationship with Rohn. God had already taught me long ago that I should not say "yes" to a relationship with a guy just because I had feelings for him, but now God showed me that I shouldn't say "no" to a relationship just because I didn't have feelings for him. My response needed to be based on God's will not on my feelings (or lack thereof).

This was a big step for me to even be open to considering a relationship with Rohn. As I began to seek God's will, I started to realize what a godly man Rohn is. I saw how perfectly our beliefs and personalities fit together. Looking back, I could see the fingerprints of God all over our friendship.

Over the course of that summer, God slowly changed my heart towards Rohn. A new love began to grow for him. I found myself thinking of him constantly, I looked forward to his e-mails with great anticipation. I don't know when exactly this change took place. It happened so gradually that I didn't realize right away what was going on. But somehow, by the end of that summer, I found myself falling in love with the man I thought I would never have feelings for. Suddenly, I couldn't figure out why I wasn't attracted to him before!

As my heart grew fonder of Rohn, I began to miss him more and more. I hadn't seen him in over three months. We kept in touch, but it just wasn't the same.

The first visit

I was in charge of the Gospel hand painting booth at our county fair that summer. The fair was fast approaching and I was having a difficult time finding enough volunteers to help out. The week before the fair, my dad came up to me and asked if I could use a couple more volunteers to help out on Saturday. Could I ever! I told him that I would take all the help I could get and wondered who he had in mind. He informed me that Rohn had called wondering if it would be ok for he and his sister, Ruth, to come for a short visit and help me with the hand painting booth. I was nearly delirious with excitement!

After what seemed like twelve eternities, Saturday arrived. I could hardly contain myself with I saw his car pull into the driveway. I just couldn't hold myself back. I burst out the front door and threw myself into his arms! We were both so happy to see each other, it didn't seem real.

The day went by way too fast. We enjoyed catching up and spending as much time together as possible. Somehow, being with Rohn again, my world seemed right. It was on that day I knew I didn't want to live the rest of my life without him.

In limbo

Then came the most difficult time in our relationship. Our feelings for each other were growing rapidly and we knew that God was leading us together, but Rohn still didn't feel that he was in a position to start pursuing a serious relationship. There were some things with his schooling and financial situation that he needed to figure out first.

There was also the issue of his parents. They felt that we were way too young to begin a courtship. Rohn had always said that he had no intention of even thinking about marriage until he was at least 25, and now here he was not even quite 20 yet, head over heals for a girl! By the end of September, Rohn had been out to visit twice. He had met all my family and got along with them great! I suggested that since he had met my family, I would really like to come meet his as well. He got a little uncomfortable, "Well.....um......actually....my parents don't want to meet you." Stunned would have been an understatement for the way I felt then. Did they not like me? Had I done something they didn't approve of? Why would they not want to even meet the girl their son was interested in? Rohn tried to explain that it was nothing against me, they just didn't like the idea of him pursuing a girl. Now what?

We were now in that awkward stage of trying to be "just friends" when both of us knew that we were more than "just friends". It was hard. We knew that we were becoming more and more emotionally attached to each other, but we didn't know how to stop that from happening. We couldn't go back, but we couldn't go forward.

My dad was not happy about the state of affairs. He said that Rohn should have come and talked to him before letting me know how he felt about me. Considering the situation, that would not really have worked all that well, nor did Rohn know at the time that that was the expectation. Our relationship wasn't going according to "plan". It blew all the formulas, didn't fit the description in the "courtship books" at all. I guess it must not have lived up to my dad's ideals because he told me one day, "You guys ruined this courtship before it even started." Despite how confusing this stage of being "in limbo" was, looking back, I can see what an important stage it was in our relationship. Despite how things appeared, everything was going according to plan. God's plan.

A surprise

At the beginning of November, a very unusual thing happened. Out of the blue, Rohn's parents contacted my parents to find out if it would be ok for me make a surprise visit for Rohn's birthday. Needless to say, I was very surprised! Somehow his parents had gone from not wanting to meet me to inviting me to come for Rohn's birthday! To this day I have no idea what happened. So it was planned that my parents would drive up to Kansas City with me and spend the day with Rohn's family and then go home while I stayed for several more days.

I found out later that Rohn had repeatedly asked his mom if he could invite me to visit. He declared that all he wanted for his birthday was to see me. So, without his knowing, I was invited to come. The trick was to keep Rohn from finding out. When he persisted in talking to his mom

about it, she informed him that she had talked to me, but that I had plans for the weekend. He was terribly disappointed. His sisters say that he moped around the house all week.

When I arrived with my parents on Saturday morning, Rohn was gone helping with a project at his church, so I spent some time getting to know the rest of his family. He told me later that as got near his house he kept trying to suppress a hope that maybe, just maybe I'd be there. He told himself that if he didn't see our SUV in the driveway, he'd know I wasn't there. He drove around the corner. No extra vehicle in the driveway (my dad had hidden it around the corner). His heart sank. You should have seen the expression on his face when he walked in the door and saw me standing there! His mouth dropped open and he just stared at me!

We had a wonderful day together! As late afternoon rolled around, my parents prepared to leave. Rohn became rather sad. He that I would be staying. I tried to pretend to be sad as well. I tried not to laugh as I said goodbye and got into the suburban with my parents.

They drove me around the block and dropped me off at Rohn's grandmother's apartment just down the street. Rohn's grandma was on vacation and offered that I could stay in her apartment during my visit. Soon his mom joined me to help put clean sheets on the bed. We were talking together when suddenly we heard the front door open. We assumed it must be Ruth, but his mom went to check, just in case. It's a good thing she did, because it was Rohn who had come in! He had no idea I was there! He began pouring his heart out to his mom, telling her how much he liked me and wanting to know what she had thought of me. Unbeknownst to him, I was hiding in the bathroom and could hear every word! Fortunately, his mom was able to lure him back to the house before he said anything embarrassing.

Ruth came and joined me after Rohn had left. We waited for about an hour before going back to the house for supper. The back door was locked, so we knocked and Rohn opened it. He was even more surprised to see me the second time than he was the first! He had to sit down......actually, he fell over on the floor. The rest of the visit was wonderful!

The point of decision

By this time we were both convinced that we wanted to marry each other. We were sure of where God was leading us. Unfortunately, things were not progressing well with Rohn's school situation. He was still trying to figure out what kind of degree he was going for and what he was going to major in. His financial situation was also preventing him from taking as many classes as he wanted. He wanted to be finished with school before we began our courtship and it was starting to look like it was going to be several years before that would happen.

It was now very uncertain when our relationship would be able to move forward, but we were still growing increasingly attached emotionally. We knew that this was not good for either of us. Relationships don't just stand still. They either move forward or backward.

Things sort of came to a head right before Christmas. Rohn knew that at this point we either needed to go forward with our relationship right away or cut off all contact with each other until we were ready to start courting.

To be continued........

My Courtship story: The end of the beginning

This is part 3 of my courtship story. Be sure to also read part 1 and part 2.

A very perceptive woman

As I said at the end of the last chapter, once I knew that Rohn had been talking to Bethany about a future relationship with me, I was determined to find out what was going on. After class the next day I cornered Rohn. I stated point blank, "You've been talking to Bethany about me haven't you." He was surprised. Very surprised. He admitted that he had been talking to her and I informed him that she had not broken her promise to him, I had found out about it by putting clues together, not through any intentional betrayal of hers. I wanted to know why he had been talking to Bethany. Of course he was panicking at this point! He hadn't wanted me to find out that he had talked to Bethany and he definitely didn't want me to find out what he had talked to her about! He told me that he was asking her about my family. He said that he was nervous about meeting them at the graduation the next day and was wanted to know what they were like.

Telling me that he had been asking about my family (which was true) was intended to throw me off the trail, but unfortunately for him, it had quite the opposite effect! I was now absolutely convinced that he was thinking of pursuing a relationship with me at some point. Why would he be so concerned about meeting my family if he only saw me as a friend?

Rohn has since asked me how I managed to put all those things together and figure out what he was after. I'm a perceptive woman, what can I say?

The Canoe

The next day was graduation. I was one pathetic ball of emotion! I was excited about graduating, but most of all I dreaded saying goodbye to all the wonderful friends I had made over the past three months. I could hardly even think of saying goodbye to Rohn. He had become one of my closest friends, I couldn't bear the thought of letting him go, possibly never to see him again.

Several friends, Rohn, Bethany, Ben and I had enjoyed spending time together throughout the semester, doing things like walking and canoeing. After the graduation ceremony was over, the four of us decided to go one one last canoe ride together.

Shortly before the time we had agreed on, Ben informed us that he needed to get something fixed on his car, but that he would join us later. Then just as we were about to go out, Bethany decided that she didn't want to get wet as it was raining lightly. I hesitated a minute. That would mean it would be just Rohn and I. I knew that he would most likely bring up the topic of where our friendship was headed, but this was my last chance to spend time with Rohn, so I decided to go anyway.

Rohn was already walking down the hill toward the lake when I came out to meet him. He says that the moment he turned around and saw me running down the hill to meet him, his heart skipped a beat and he thought I was beautiful.

We paddled out into the lake, making some small talk but really not saying all that much. We could both feel this incredible unspoken tension between us. He asked me what was weighing on me and I told him that I was dreading saying goodbye and that I was going to miss him something awful! All this was true, but we both knew there was more than that. We were silent for a little before he said,*

"There's something between us. What is it?"

"What do you mean? If you think there's something between us, you must know what it is."

"Why do you seem so tense?"

"I know what you're going to say."

"You think I'm going to say something you don't want to hear, don't you?"

"Yes."

"Would you rather we didn't talk about it now?"

I thought about it for a minute before answering, "Well, we both know what you're going to say, so we may as well get it over with."

"Bekah, I care about our friendship. I care about where it is going. I've been praying about where God would lead our friendship in the future."

"How do you mean? where do you think God is leading our friendship?"

"I think He might be leading us to a deeper relationship than "just friends". Not now, but sometime in the future. Are you upset with me for saying that?"

"No, I'm not upset with you. I'm confused, but not upset."

"I know that you aren't ready to consider a courtship right now, and honestly, I'm not ready for one right now either. I'm not in a place as far as finances and schooling that I feel like I can start a serious relationship, but I want you to know that soon as I feel like I can, I'm going to pursue a courtship with you. Will you please pray about it?"

I did agree to pray, but my emotions were in such upheaval that I blurted out, "I'm either going to hug you, or flip the canoe! I don't know which!"

Ben eventually did join us for a little while. We continued to paddle around the lake a while longer, but my mind was distracted. I just had too much to process.

As we walked back to the building after our canoe trip, I requested that if Rohn was interested in a relationship with me, he would talk to my dad. He said that he wasn't ready quite yet, but agreed to speak with my dad soon.

Finally the time I dreaded had come. Rohn had to leave. A group of friends gathered by the front door to send him off. He went around saying goodbye to each one. I stood there physically shaking with emotion.

I followed him out the door so that I didn't have so say my goodbye in front of everyone. We talked about how much we would miss each other. We said goodbye. We hugged each other so tight I thought I would burst!

I stood with tears pouring down my face as his car disappeared down the road. I didn't know yet how I felt about a future relationship with Rohn, but I did know that he was dearer to me than I could possibly describe and my heart was breaking as I watched him leave.

To be continued.......

*I don't remember every detail of this conversation or exactly how it went, but this is the best I can remember.

My Courtship Story: I'm trying not to like you

Part 2 of my courtship story...

Scene in the prayer garden

The day after Rohn arrived back from visiting his family, I noticed that he didn't seem quite himself. I had learned to tell when something was bothering him. After our last class of the afternoon, I asked him what was wrong. He acted nervous and said that he was confused about something. He had previously told me about something in his life that he was pretty confused about at the time, so I thought I understood what he meant. I asked it how it was going and if anything had happened while he was at home. He shifted in his seat and said that everything was fine. Then he looked at me and said, "Actually, I'm confused about someone else." Instantly I knew he was talking about me. It wasn't what he said. It was the way he said it. It was the way he looked at me. He didn't mean to let it slip out, but it was too late! I just stared at him for a minute, my heart racing, trying to comprehend what he had just said. My voice was shaking and I felt like I could hardly get the words out of my mouth, “Rohn, what are you talking about? What are you talking about?!?!” I didn't even wait for him to answer before I ran out of the room.

My emotions were in total chaos. I loved him dearly, but only as a friend. He was almost like a brother to me. I was not interested in more than a friendship and was convinced that I never would be. I didn't want our friendship ruined by romantic feelings on either side.

We both had a pretty miserable afternoon. I threw myself on my bed and cried while he sat in a classroom taking out his frustration by pounding away on the piano.

We ended up sitting across the table from each other at dinner. Neither of us said anything and we hardly looked at each other. I couldn't bring myself to eat more than a couple bites and I'm not sure he did any better. After dinner Rohn asked if we could talk, so we headed out to a little prayer garden to talk things out. We spent the first few minutes walking together in awkward silence. Finally he said, "I seem to have said something that upset you pretty bad." I responded in the affirmative. "What was it that upset you?" He was trying desperately to feign ignorance. Maybe we could just forget about it and move on. "When you said that you were confused about someone. I knew that you were talking about me." I replied. He was quiet for a minute, "So you feel like I was implying that I like you?" "Yeah". At that point he admitted the truth. Yes, he liked me. Yes, he felt attracted to me. Yes, he had been in denial.

At this confession, I did what any girl should never do in such a situation. I burst into tears! I didn't want him to feel this way about me! I hadn't asked for his affection! I didn't want it! Now our wonderful friendship was ruined. I had always feel like I could be free to be myself around Rohn. I was comfortable and could relax and not always have to worry about making sure he didn't fall for me. But that was over, now I'd always have to be on my guard.

Rohn was upset to see me crying. He was upset with himself for accidentally messing up our friendship. He desperately tried to explain that he wasn't totally sure how he felt and that he was trying not to like me. That didn't help any. It only confirmed that even though he was trying not to, he did in fact like me, which was not what I wanted to hear!

The next day Rohn informed me that he was “over it”. He was tired and not thinking clearly the day before and he really wasn't interested in me at all. I was skeptical at first but soon I accepted what he said, not because it was really all that believable, but because it's what I wanted to believe. It took a couple days, but soon things were back to normal between us and I tried to forget that anything had ever happened. I thought the matter was behind us, but unbeknownst to me, Rohn was still praying about where God was directing our friendship.

The Robbery

So many things happened in the last few days before graduation. Two days beforehand, we had finished our usual Wednesday evening prayer meeting and I went on a walk with a group of friends (Rohn was not in the group). We were standing out by the lake, watching the sunset when some other classmates came to find us. They told us that the girls dorm had been robbed and that we needed to come back to the building. We were all concerned and rushed back to the building. As soon as I got in the door, someone told me that Rohn was looking for me. I could hear him from several halls away strumming wildly on his guitar as he searched for me. If you hadn't gathered already, playing loudly on an instrument is what he often does to relieve stress. I knew he must be upset.

I went to find him and find out if everything was ok. He said that when he heard that the girls' dorms had been broken into, his first impulse was to look for me and make sure I was ok. When he couldn't find me, he became nearly frantic thinking that maybe I had been in my room when the dorms were broken into and maybe something had happened to me. Fortunately, no one was actually in the dorm when the thieves got in. Many of the girls were still pretty shook up, it's creepy knowing that someone has broken into your room and gone through all your stuff. Besides the fact that nobody knew who the thieves were or where they were. The security cameras by the driveway showed a strange car come onto the campus, but didn't show it leave. So in all likelihood, the thieves were still around.........somewhere.

None of us were allowed to go into our rooms until the police arrived to investigate. In addition to being afraid of the thieves still being on campus (we didn't know at that point if these were just highschool kids up to no good, or if they were more serious criminals), we were worried about what may have been stolen from our rooms. Rohn stayed with me while we waited for the police to arrive, he came with me when I wanted to look in my window from the outside to see if my laptop was still there, he prayed with me, he stayed close and assured me that he wouldn't let anything happen to me. He even held my hand. Looking back, it's strange that this didn't seem odd to us. It seemed totally natural that he would just instinctively want to hold my hand to reassure me, and it seemed normal that this would be comforting to me. Usually if a guy had just randomly started trying to hold my hand, I would have totally freaked out, but instead it was very comforting, Rohn's very presence was comforting to me. Looking back, all this should have been a hint to us as to what was really going on in our hearts, but we didn't see it at the time. I guess hindsight is 20/20.

Later that night a couple of my other guy friends invited me to come with them on a trip into town to get my mind off the robbery. I told Rohn where I was going and who I was going with so that he wouldn't worry. Nonetheless, as we were on our way back to campus, Ben's phone rang. It was Rohn wondering where we were. Noah said, "We all know who he's worried about." He and Ben gave each other significant looks and agreed.

The secret conversation

Meanwhile, while I was gone with Ben and Noah, a very interesting conversation was taking place back on campus. The more Rohn had prayed, the more he began to feel that perhaps God really was leading us toward a relationship in the future. He wanted to start exploring this possibility, but of course the last thing he wanted to do was let me find out about it! He started out by talking to some older, trusted friends and they encouraged him to keep pursuing my friendship. He also talked to some of our other guy friends so make sure that no one else was interested in me.

You know how everyone knows that if a guy likes a girl, he should never, under any circumstances, talk to her best friend? Well, while I was away Rohn talked to Bethany, one of my best friends. He expressed to her his interest in pursuing a relationship with me- not now, but in the future. He asked her if she thought there would be any possibility that I would consider such a thing. She didn't give him a direct answer but said, "If there was no hope, I would tell you." She encouraged him not to give up. To this day she claims this as evidence that she knows me better than I know myself. Rohn made her promise that she wouldn't tell me that he had talked to her.

Suspicions

After we got back to campus, I sat in Bethany's room, talking while she packed up her stuff. She was quieter than usual and seemed out of sorts. I asked her if something was wrong. She said there wasn't. I knew that wasn't true and I asked what was bothering her. "Oh, it's nothing," She told me, "I just had a conversation with someone earlier and I guess it's making me feel a little out of sorts." I asked her who she had talked to and about what, but she said that she couldn't tell me. I was instantly curious, but she refused to talk about it, so eventually the subject dropped.

After discussing various subjects for a while Bethany got quiet. Then suddenly she asked, "Do you think you would ever be interested in a relationship with Rohn, or just not now?" Now I was pretty sure I had figured out who she had been talking to and about what! Bethany knew very well exactly how I felt about Rohn, and she just isn't the type of person to question it further unless she had a specific reason. I asked her, "Bethany, have you been talking to Rohn about me?" She became very distressed and begged me not to make her answer. I didn't really need her to answer, I was pretty sure I already knew.

It was pretty late by then, but I determined that in the morning I would find out what was going on.

To be continued............

The Good Shepherd........Drives Away His Sheep?

I had an argument some time ago with someone who tried to convince me that during Jesus' ministry on earth, His goal was to drive people away. According to this individual, Jesus tried to drive everyone away from Himself and then somehow only the people with extra determination were accepted by Him. My mind was reeling! Where in the Bible do you find THAT? He tried to tell me that the stories of the rich young ruler and also the Syrophoenician woman, with the demon possessed daughter, were examples of Jesus trying to drive people away.

After looking at both of these stories, I believe that you really have to read a lot into it in order to say that Jesus intended to drive the people away. Sure, Jesus made it clear that following Him was not easy, sure He tested their faith, but I don't think that that means that His motive was to get rid of them. He invited the rich young man to come follow Him! He healed the woman's daughter. Those are definitely not good techniques to use if you want to get rid of people. In fact, all throughout Jesus' ministry, He demonstrated this kind of love and compassion over and over again. When blind Bartimaeus sat beside the road calling out to Him, He asked, "What do you want me to do for you?" and then He healed him! For the woman caught in adultery, He rescued her from death, told her that He did not condemn her and gave her a second chance saying, "Go. From now on sin no more." When the little children came to Him, Jesus even became upset with the disciples for trying to send them away (Now why would He be upset with them, if they were only following His example?). He said, "Permit the children to come to Me; do not hinder them; for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these." Then He took them in His arms and blessed them. It is clear that Jesus was in no way trying to drive people away.

Unfortunately, it is only of recent that I have really felt free to search these things out and truly disagree with what the previously mentioned individual told me. I never really believed his argument, but it for so long he had cultivated the idea that he was infallible, that I had a hard time rejecting what he told me.

Even though I didn't fully believe this lie in my mind, it still wreaked havoc in my heart. I became afraid that Jesus would drive me away. What if I wasn't "determined" enough? My spiritual growth became stunted and my fear paralyzed my relationship with God. I longed to continue growing closer to Him, but I was so terribly afraid that He would find me "not good enough" or "not earnest enough" and turn me away. I felt that I needed to make myself more acceptable to God and muster up a sufficient amount of earnestness (I was never exactly sure how much was enough) before I dared seek Him.

It has only been within the last year that I have begun to see this teaching as the lie that it is and root out the stronghold it has had in my heart.

All throughout the Bible, God continuously portrays Himself as a shepherd. Jesus is even called, "The Good Shepherd". Can you imagine a shepherd standing in the midst of his scattered sheep, waving his staff and driving away any that tried to get near him? Shepherds don't do that. Especially not good shepherds.

Listen to what Jesus says about Himself,

"Truly, truly, I say to you, I am the door of the sheep. All who came before Me are thieves and robbers, but the sheep did not hear them. I am the door; if anyone enters through Me, he will be saved, and will go in and out and find pasture. The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I came that they may have life, and have it abundantly. I am the good shepherd; the good shepherd lays down His life for the sheep. He who is a hired hand, and not a shepherd, who is not the owner of the sheep, sees the wolf coming, and leaves the sheep and flees, and the wolf snatches them and scatters them. He flees because he is a hired hand and is not concerned about the sheep. I am the good shepherd, and I know My o

wn and My own know Me, even as the Father knows Me and I know the Father; and I lay down My life for the sheep. I have other sheep, which are not of this fold; I must bring them also, and they will hear My voice; and they will become one flock with one shepherd." (John 10:7-16)

Does this sound like someone who is trying to drive His sheep away, or someone who has come to care for them and draw them to Himself? Jesus said directly that He would "draw all men" to Himself. He does not drive away, He seeks, He heals, He forgives, He invites us to follow Him.

"For the Son of Man has come to seek and to save that which was lost." (Luke 19:10)

*All Scripture taken from the New American Standard Bible